Dear Anxiety

Dear Anxiety

Writing to you is like writing a beautiful love letter, only the opposite! It's hard to find the exact words to express how you make me feel.
I've already tried writing this letter 6 times but nothing I write seems to portray my emotions well enough.

You seem to love me, but the feeling isn't mutual! In fact I despise you. You try to control my life, stop me from living and having fun. When I go out, I feel you there. I know you're waiting for a moment when i'm not concerntrating to consume me, to make me feel that dreaded feeling in the pit of my stomach. My belly churning and the feeling of panic serging through my body, I hear my heart beat thudding through my ears and my blood pumping through veins hitting the tips of my fingers. You make me feel like I can't breath, like a golf ball is wedged in my throat.

Anything I do, I have already analysed what might happen and made a list of questions that will never be answered and worry about things that are so unlikely to happen.

You make it hard to explain to friends and family how I'm feeling, sometimes I myself am confused. I can feel extremely lost and lonely because no one can relate to me, I sometimes distance myself from people and shut the ones closest to me out.

 

I refuse to let you become me, I will not let you take over my mind and my feelings. Sometimes for a short time you will succeed but I will always regain control. One day I will have learnt to control you so that you don't make me feel the way I do on a daily basis. 

Simone 

     x

My First Bath

So for the past 3months it's been impossible to have any me time. If I wasn't feeding Princess then she would be demanding attention and rightfully so, if I was a baby and all I have known is being curled up inside and warm hearing my mother voice and feeling her rock, I'd cry when it was gone (and I'm sure I did). As I walk out of rooms I watch her eyes stare at me, watching me be swallowed by the door frame and sucked into another room. Suddenly I'm gone and she doesn't understand. Most of my days are filled with cuddles and play time together on the play mat. I love every moment I spend with my Princess but I miss painting my nails, doing my hair and make up and relaxing in a bubble bath.

So for the first time my partner took our LO out. Now she's having bottles it makes  everything easier.

I thought it would be so easy to relax when Princess was out but I was wrong. I run myself a bubble bath and have a long soak which felt amazing, for a while I did drift off into my own little world. Once I got out I planned to paint my nails, instead I found myself pacing the flat with my mind going wild. I couldn't just sit, I seemed to be waiting for a cry that I knew wasn't going to happen.

After a while I did manage to settle myself, I put my hair up and make up on my face. For the first time in 3months when my partner has told I looked good, I actually felt it.

Clearly bottle feeding does have its perks, I just need to take the time to notice them. I guess another positive is, winters on its way and just the thought of getting my boob out in that weather makes me go cold. Oh and mixing powder and water will be so much quicker than lifting my 14 layers up.