Dear Anxiety

Dear Anxiety

Writing to you is like writing a beautiful love letter, only the opposite! It's hard to find the exact words to express how you make me feel.
I've already tried writing this letter 6 times but nothing I write seems to portray my emotions well enough.

You seem to love me, but the feeling isn't mutual! In fact I despise you. You try to control my life, stop me from living and having fun. When I go out, I feel you there. I know you're waiting for a moment when i'm not concerntrating to consume me, to make me feel that dreaded feeling in the pit of my stomach. My belly churning and the feeling of panic serging through my body, I hear my heart beat thudding through my ears and my blood pumping through veins hitting the tips of my fingers. You make me feel like I can't breath, like a golf ball is wedged in my throat.

Anything I do, I have already analysed what might happen and made a list of questions that will never be answered and worry about things that are so unlikely to happen.

You make it hard to explain to friends and family how I'm feeling, sometimes I myself am confused. I can feel extremely lost and lonely because no one can relate to me, I sometimes distance myself from people and shut the ones closest to me out.

 

I refuse to let you become me, I will not let you take over my mind and my feelings. Sometimes for a short time you will succeed but I will always regain control. One day I will have learnt to control you so that you don't make me feel the way I do on a daily basis. 

Simone 

     x

I Can't Say I Agree

A couple of weeks back I read something that a lot of people were reposting and agreeing with. It went a little like this.

   "A lot of men think they are doing women a favour asking for her hand in marriage, but let's think about it.
    - She changes her name.
    - Leaves her family.
    - Moves in with you.
    - Builds a home with you.
    - Gets pregnant for you.
    - Pregnancy changes her body.
    - She gets fat.
    - Almost gives up in labour due to the
       unbearable pains during child birth.
    - Even the children she delivers bear
       your name.

Till the day she dies everything she does (cooking, cleaning your house, bringing up your children, advising you, ensuring you can be relaxed, maintaining family relations) everything that benefits you, sometimes at the cost of her own health, hobbies and beauty.

So who's really doing who a favour?

Being a women is priceless"

I couldn't disagree more.
In a relationship I don't think anyone does anyone a favour. Unless you're asking them to pass you a pen or turn the TV on because they're closer.

I moved in with my partner and left my family, I chose to do that because I want to be with him. But I'm not the only one in this relationship to leave my family. In fact my partner is miles away from his  and I'm 10mins up the road from mine.

As a couple we decided to build a home and have a baby. Before falling pregnant I knew my body was going to change and yes I found that difficult but they are my own issues and I battle them every day. What I did realise is, what a beautiful thing to watch happen, I carried my daughter and as she grew, I grew. I didn't 'get fat' my body was a home, a safe place whilst she was most vulnerable.

As a team we gave birth to our  baby, I may have shouted at him and thought he was useless for placing his attention else where when I was asking for the gas and air back. But, he was there holding my hand as I pushed, as the pain powered through my body, he was there telling me our little girl was going to be there soon and giving me those important words of encouragement.

One day I want to get married to my daughters father and I want to take his name. We are a team and we share experiences. We help each other out and cry on each others shoulders. He cooks and cleans when I've had a busy day entertaining our Princess. I'll make him a coffee and run him a bath whilst he makes the bed and changes our daughters nappy.

We don't do 'favours' for one another, we work together and appreciate how hard the other one works.

Creating a family with someone so special is priceless.

100 Days Of Happiness Challenge

Can I be happy for 100 days? 

Since Princess Dotty being born I've learnt that you can have very good days, which is most days. A lot of the time I feel great and everything has gone great throughout the day. Then there's bad days, sometimes you feel like curling up in a ball and not wanting to come out until things are better. It's very hard when you have those bad days to pull something good from it, so that's my challenge. 

For the next 100 days I'm going to post a picture on my Instagram @misschandlersworld 

Of things that make me happy that day.

So it starts today! Day 1, I went for a lovely evening walk. My mum suggested it as the sun was shining and it was still warm out. It was lovely to be out the house, stretching my legs, getting some fresh air and spending some time with my mum, partner and daughter... Oh and don't forget Kea the dog. 

Beautiful evening! 

Relationships are hard..

.. But having a baby is harder

We all know relationships are hard, there's always arguments and tough times. One of you might storm out the house in a huff. The majority of the time the arguments are pointless and other times they might need more than just a cuddle to say sorry (flowers are always nice, unless I'm the one in the wrong). 

Or you might have issues where you need the other to support you. It could be a bad day at work and you need to talk about it, a family issue and you need that shoulder to cry on, or issues with yourself that can get you so low you need someone to stand by you 100% of the way.

All these things have a massive strain on relationships and can break you are make you. When it makes you, you know each other extremely well. You know what makes each other tick, what the right buttons to push are (and the wrong ones), you know how to make that person feel good about themselves and know what to say and when to say nothing and listen.

When it's just two of you, you are each others worlds. Everything you do is either for yourself or them. When you decide to bring a new little life into the world, the whole dynamics of your relationship changes. It isn't all about you anymore, it's about the baby. Everything you do is for that little one, you go to bed late, wake up in the night and get up early to feed and settle them. Through out the day whilst attempting to have a shower, feed yourself or trying to pick up the mess you've created, you are looking after you baby and when they need you, nothing else matters (the first 3 days of Princess Dotty being here, I didn't brush my hair, brush my teeth or shower... gross, I know!!). What starts happening is, you forget there's 3 to this family (when you're a first time mummy and daddy that is). 

On top of trying to juggle life at home, you still have to work at your relationship but its often forgotten. Up until 2 days ago, my partner and I had forgotten each other. We forgot that we needed to work as a team, forgot to have a laugh, forgot to have a cuddle just us two, forgot to talk to each other about our feelings and how our days had been. Tension between us grow, it grew enough for me to walk out for the night. It was an extremely hard and painful decision but both my partner and I agreed it was the best thing I could of done. 

It allowed us both time to think, time away to miss each other, time to realise how much we wanted each other. It reminded us, each other matter and that we needed to make time for each other and help each other out. 

There's many things my partner had forgotten or not realised I needed, but he isn't the only one at fault. I spend everyday with my daughter but he doesn't get that, he has to wake up in the morning whilst she sleeping, kisses her on her head and leaves for work. Spends 15 hours out the house, only to return to her sleeping. Sometimes he gets in but it's not long till she's drifting off to sleep again or crying for food. Although he does get a little to spend with her and show her as much love as he can in that small time. It still must be hard on him. I can see how much he loves our daughter and would love more time with her, but at the end of a long days work and another one to wake up to he's shattered. Yet he still manages to cook, clean and put some washing on when I haven't managed to during the day. I appreciate everything he does (just as he does me) but I'd forgotten to tell him. 

Being parents isn't easy and we realise we need to support each other because we are both going to have hard days, but we remember that everything that gets us down not only do we have each other for support and a cuddle, we have a beautiful baby girl to make us smile.

To my Partner and my Princess Dotty,

I love you both very much!

              xxx