Monday, 14 September 2015

Princess Dotty- The Next Chapter

Dear Aella,
You're going to be 15 weeks old this week, the time really does fly. The last week and a half had been really tough with you, you haven't been playing up, in fact you've been great just things got to much for me!
Then Tuesday came and all day you didn't stop crying, no amount of breast I gave you made you happy. As you lay crying in my arms, I couldn't hold it in any longer and tears began to roll down my cheek. That evening I gave you your first formula feed. For the next few days I was combination feeding you, breast all day except 1 bottle at lunch and another before bed. It seemed to be going well and a routine was appearing. You was a lot more content. For me it was so hard to watch you drink from a bottle, I was so used to you in my arms feeding from me.
On Saturday it was your Uncle Reggie's birthday, so we went up to Milton Keynes to surprise him. We went up with just one bottle, there was no need for more as you had me. 2pm came and you had your feed from the bottle. Uncle Reggie, Cousin Teddy, Nanna and me all shared feeding you. It did feel good to be able to drink my coffee and eat my muffin with both hands free.
It was about 5.30pm you began to moan for your next feed, so I laid you down in my arms like I always did before a feed, lifted my top and unclipped my bra. I tried to help you latch but you continued to cry, I thought maybe you wasn't hungry or you was too worked up to feed. I rocked you and calmed you and attempted again but you just screamed.
We arrived back at the hotel that Nanna was staying in and I didn't want to believe this was it for breastfeeding, I sat on the bed and gave latching you on one more go but you didn't want any of it. All I could do was cry, the last thing that we shared was over. Our quality time, over. Our special little connection, over. I know now none of this is true but it's how I felt went it was all happening. You didn't give me any warning signs it all just happened within a couple hours.
Sunday morning I managed to latch you on but I knew it was the last time you would feed from me. I also knew the only reason you latched was because my boob was very full, this was a goodbye to breastfeeding.
Over the last couple days it had been really hard. Most of the time I'm seeing the positives to bottle feeding but I do have moments I miss you close to me. It's difficult when I go to feed you and your searching for breast but I know you won't latch. Every part of me tells me to pull up my top for you but I know I would be teasing myself, I know its not what you want anymore. Feeding from the bottle is easier for you and you get a full feed
If I even tried to continue breastfeeding you it would of only been for selfish reasons. You don't want it anymore and you're moving onto something that fills you up better than what I could do. Maybe you realised as well that Mummy needs to look after herself too. It has been difficult to get all the calaries in for me and you. I will admit I was a little disappointed in myself that I couldn't reach 6months feeding you but I'm also proud of where I got considering I didn't want to whilst I was pregnant with you. I'm happy that I've giving you the best start to life.
I know there will be loads more things we will bond over and enjoy together. I guess this is the next chapter of your life.
I love you
To the moon and back
Love Mummy
      xXx

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