Relationships are hard..

.. But having a baby is harder

We all know relationships are hard, there's always arguments and tough times. One of you might storm out the house in a huff. The majority of the time the arguments are pointless and other times they might need more than just a cuddle to say sorry (flowers are always nice, unless I'm the one in the wrong). 

Or you might have issues where you need the other to support you. It could be a bad day at work and you need to talk about it, a family issue and you need that shoulder to cry on, or issues with yourself that can get you so low you need someone to stand by you 100% of the way.

All these things have a massive strain on relationships and can break you are make you. When it makes you, you know each other extremely well. You know what makes each other tick, what the right buttons to push are (and the wrong ones), you know how to make that person feel good about themselves and know what to say and when to say nothing and listen.

When it's just two of you, you are each others worlds. Everything you do is either for yourself or them. When you decide to bring a new little life into the world, the whole dynamics of your relationship changes. It isn't all about you anymore, it's about the baby. Everything you do is for that little one, you go to bed late, wake up in the night and get up early to feed and settle them. Through out the day whilst attempting to have a shower, feed yourself or trying to pick up the mess you've created, you are looking after you baby and when they need you, nothing else matters (the first 3 days of Princess Dotty being here, I didn't brush my hair, brush my teeth or shower... gross, I know!!). What starts happening is, you forget there's 3 to this family (when you're a first time mummy and daddy that is). 

On top of trying to juggle life at home, you still have to work at your relationship but its often forgotten. Up until 2 days ago, my partner and I had forgotten each other. We forgot that we needed to work as a team, forgot to have a laugh, forgot to have a cuddle just us two, forgot to talk to each other about our feelings and how our days had been. Tension between us grow, it grew enough for me to walk out for the night. It was an extremely hard and painful decision but both my partner and I agreed it was the best thing I could of done. 

It allowed us both time to think, time away to miss each other, time to realise how much we wanted each other. It reminded us, each other matter and that we needed to make time for each other and help each other out. 

There's many things my partner had forgotten or not realised I needed, but he isn't the only one at fault. I spend everyday with my daughter but he doesn't get that, he has to wake up in the morning whilst she sleeping, kisses her on her head and leaves for work. Spends 15 hours out the house, only to return to her sleeping. Sometimes he gets in but it's not long till she's drifting off to sleep again or crying for food. Although he does get a little to spend with her and show her as much love as he can in that small time. It still must be hard on him. I can see how much he loves our daughter and would love more time with her, but at the end of a long days work and another one to wake up to he's shattered. Yet he still manages to cook, clean and put some washing on when I haven't managed to during the day. I appreciate everything he does (just as he does me) but I'd forgotten to tell him. 

Being parents isn't easy and we realise we need to support each other because we are both going to have hard days, but we remember that everything that gets us down not only do we have each other for support and a cuddle, we have a beautiful baby girl to make us smile.

To my Partner and my Princess Dotty,

I love you both very much!

              xxx

Princess Dotty - 5 weeks

Our Little Piglet 

There's not been a day gone by that I haven't been proud of you! In the first week it was every burp; all of them would make me smile and feel so happy, I'm sure when you get to 18 sitting at the dinner table burping I won't be so impressed. Now at 5 weeks old and you have already learnt to smile and chatter away to yourself, it melts my heart every time you do it. 

The first 3 days with you was difficult for me. When you talk to people about child birth, a lot of mothers mention about the burst of love they feel when their tiny bundle of joy is born and gets placed onto their chest. Unfortunately for some, including me don't feel it. I don't think it helped that I hadn't slept in over 33 hours. When Nanna and Grandpa visited the hospital I was happy to let them hold you for ages, in my mind I knew I would have you for the rest of the night but to Nanna this was a warning sign. 

Over the next couple of days I made sure I looked after you, fed you, changed you, cleaned you and tried to show you love, whilst trying to catch up on sleep. I had Daddy looking after me, making me breakfast, lunch and dinner and he would also do all the house work. I wanted to do the house work but Daddy wouldn't let me do anything. The first couple of weeks are such a blur now, everything seems to merge into one day. I can't remember not feeling love for you or what I felt like when I think back but I can remember the day I fell in love with you! 

It was on day 3 that we had a family cuddle on the bed, I looked and you and Daddy having a cuddle and I couldn't help but cry. I had an overwhelming urge to cuddle you and have you close, to look at your tiny hands, and just sit and watch you sleep, you was perfect (and still are). I then realised this was the rush of love people always speak about. I sat with you alone on my chest for 2 hours crying, I couldn't believe for the last 3 days I hadn't felt this way about you, that made me cry even more thinking what I had missed. I guess I felt guilty and sad, those first few days of your life and I hadn't shown you the love you deserved. 
During the next couple of days I was very honest with Daddy and Nanna, I told them both how I had been feeling. Nanna had already been worrying and for the next week asked me how I felt about you. After talking it out it made me realise that I couldn't continue thinking about those 3 days, all I could do is make sure I cherish every moment with you now. 

Oh and that rush (of love) never stops rushing, every time I look at you now, I can't help but smile and just want to pick you up and cuddle you in close. Every time I look at you and watch you smile at me whilst I fall more and more in love. 

I am sorry that I didn't feel that love for you straight away, I did know I loved you but just couldn't feel it. But now I'm completely in love with you. You are my world, I didn't think it was possible to be happier with my life but I am. Every new thing you do,every time you cry and every time you look in my eyes and smile, when you chatter away to yourself. It's all worth getting up everyday for. 

My beautiful Princess

I love you to the moon and back

Mummy

    x

Like a child at Christmas!

I think I've found the one!

As a new mummy I needed a new changing bag. I already have one that matches the pram but after using it for a few weeks, i've decided its to small and doesn't have enough compartments to keep things organised.

I never realised how expensive changing bags were until shopping for one, I guess I've gotten used to cheap high street clothes, accessories and bags. One thing I should be used to is variety, we all know how many different kinds of bags but for some reason I was shocked at the variety of changing bags you can buy. Obviously this caused a problem when choosing one, was I to get one that both my partner and I could use or a really girlie one that he wouldn't want to be see carrying. Finally after a week of searching I have found one and I'm in love with it, its from the make Lassig.

My partner told me I was like a child at Christmas when I was emptying out the old changing bag and organising it into the new. It is the perfect back though! 

The travel changing mat had a zip away compartment at the bottom of the back which is easy for you to locate when needed and perfectly hidden when it's not in use. 

Inside the bag there two pockets, one for nappies and the other for wipes. The wipes pocket has an opening on the front so you don't need to remove them from your bag. On the opposite side there's and easy wipe pocket, that's great for wet or dirty clothes in, you can zip them away and wipe once you're home. 

The bag also includes a bottle insulater and a smaller baby, that's perfect to put all my belongings in making it easy to locate my keys, purse and phone. 

Not only does this bag have all these great features but it's also huge inside, so I can fill in full of everything I need for a day out, perfect! 

Dear Princess Dotty

Dear Princess Dotty 

You're 6 days over due. Time seems to have flown by! Although now it's beginning to drag now.

I remember telling your Nanna Colette I was pregnant (daddy will have to tell you stories of how he told Nanna Bev). I took her out to a tea room for tea and scones in Writtle (a lovely little place) that morning I had told her I hurt myself running and that this time it was to close to the date of the marathon. There was 3 weeks till Marathon day and 8weeks till I originally wanted to tell her (you was going to be mine and daddy's secret for 12 weeks) I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep it up! So I confessed, told her I hadn't hurt myself, her face dropped and she looked like she wanted to cry, she looked confused, couldn't understand why I would lie to her. Before she could say anything to me I was already in tears (of happiness) and blurted it out, I've never seen a expression change so quickly! A smile grew and I could see the excitement in her eyes. 

At 12weeks we got to see you for the first time and it was incredible! Although I worked myself up a little and was on the verge of a panic attack before we had left the flat. It was the not knowing. This was the first time I would see you and for the first time I would know you was ok. When I saw you. I couldn't help but smile, seeing that little heart beat of yours on the screen was amazing. I think Daddy was secretly trying not to cry (don't tell him I told you that!) 

Since then I have counted down the weeks till you're here, till I can hold you for the first time and see your little face. There has been days where you have worried me, days that you have put a smile upon my face, given me sleepless night and now aches an pain in places I didn't know you could get them! I'm sure daddy would mention my mood swings and how every night I become a grump, moaning about everything possible. He would mention the times I would cry for no reason and how much of a drama queen I have been in the last few weeks. 

Already you are something so precious to daddy and I. We can't explain our love for you, a love that is only going to grow deeper. 

Feel free to show any day now! Everyone is getting impatient and wants to see your little face. 

Lots of love 

Mummy

   XxX

Dear Dan

This is a little letter I have written to my partner. I share it, not to boast about my relationship or to let everyone know how much I love him, but as a reminder to myself that he puts a smile on my face everyday.
I've recently read, that often after giving birth women can dislike their partners for a few weeks and everything they do annoys them. I wanted something I can read back just incase :)
Our life's are about to change, I know it's going to be tough, there's going to be pointless arguments,  stress and I'm  sure a lot of sleep less nights but  I don't want to forget what a  he really means to me.

Dear Dan 

I never thought I would be where I am now. I've experience so much and tried so much more because of your encouragement.
I remember when you asked me to move in with you and I think I changed my mind 2 or 3 times before I come to the decision I would. It was the scariest but most exciting day, I remember getting upset because I'd left home and was creating a new one, but you come home (with flowers I think) and comforted me, understood that it wasn't because I thought I'd made a bad decision but because it was a big step in my life. I was used to coming home to Kea greeting me at the door and the TV on with people in, but now everything was quiet and lights where off. It took some time to settle in but Dan you made it so much easier, together we made that tiny flat become ours and our little home.
Moving in with you happened very quickly but it was the best decision I ever made! We had some crappy times but every single one has allowed us to learn each others boundaries and respect each others space as well as understanding each others needs. Living together in a studio flat was going to be make or break for us but we managed it and it's given us what we have now!

I'm 38 weeks  pregnant, I'm enjoying putting my feet up and having some me time before our little one arrives. This time last year I'd ran the marathon and was planning to run my 2nd! I had a lot of motivation through my training from a few people and you was one of them, you encouraged me to train and kept me going, unclipped my sports bra when my arms were to tired to reach round, got me some water and undone my trainers. On the big day just seeing your face made me want to finish, it gave me that little boost to carry on. This year I'm certainly going to need that support again and maybe a hand to squeeze!
Just like I have, you've watched my body change, you know how hard I have found it and but you have reminded me everyday that I'm beautiful.  For the last 2 years you've been incredible helping me through a tough time with my weight. I've never been overweight and I know that now. I was never happy with the way I looked, I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. There was always something that could be better but you always insisted I was beautiful just the way I was.
When we decided we wanted children I never knew what impact it would have on my body or how I would react. It's been a bit of a roller coaster. Ive had to change the way I think and go with the flow, you've been there to talk me through that. You put your arms around me when I've been upset and you've taught me to love my bump and love the way I look now.

Dan thank you for everything you have done and continue to do. I know I can be a handful, I become a brat and a moody cow at times (more like every night for the last 2 weeks) but somehow you manage to snap me out of it (usually going to bed a leaving me to sulk hehe) We have got so many incredible memories together and so many more to create.

I love you
       x

Falling into place

Who are you 

I don't have a relationship with my father. He's not a nasty man, he's just made bad decisions in life, one of them being he doesn't want me in his life and it's only recently I've realised I don't need or want him in mine.
Some people won't understand how I can feel this way, they can't imagine life without their father involved in it.
I've cried so many tear over a man that has given me so little. Spending a lot of time thinking of how to catch his attention and neglecting the attention I had from people that really mattered. I've had a number of chats with my mother asking advice, she always said I had to do what I felt was right and what would make me happy.
When I thought of writing to my father something always stopped me, I don't know if I just forgot and it didn't seem important or because I didn't want the hassle or maybe it was the thought of being hurt so badly again.
I was looking online recently and it was something that someone had written that made everything fall into place. I realised I wasn't getting upset about my father, he's means nothing to me. I don't know who he is and he knows nothing about me! He doesn't know my favourite colour, what I like to wear or what makes me laugh the most. One man that does is my step father. He was the reason I was getting upset, if I was to see my real father I felt like I would be replacing the one I already had, the one that knows me best, the one that knows when I need a cuddle and knows what makes me smile.
My step father entered my life at 6 years old and has never turned his back, has helped me through some extremely hard times. He's seen me fall apart, he stood by me and help put everything back together, then watched me blossom and become the women I am today.
A man that entered my life at a young age accepted me when my father throw me away, so why now should I give my father back what he never wanted in his life 12 years ago. He made a bad decision  and unfortunately for him,  "Sorry",  "I miss you" or  "I think of you all the time" just won't cut it. He's not welcome here.  There's so much more to life and  more important things I have to spend time thinking about ..
Goodbye  father

Family is so much more than blood. Just because you're blood related, doesn't mean you have to like them or want them to surround you. We choose who we want to be around and they become our family.

Simone
    X

Dear Dad

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

4years since I last spoke to you,
"It's not my responsibility, it's yours too"
I cried so many tears for you recently, just thinking about when it might be...
Will I turn a corner and you'll be there, as I glance at you and you hold a stare.
Don't be silly, I think to myself.

I don't live where I once lived,
I've moved on with my life and unfortunately you have missed...
The city is lovely, you've probably been here, it's could of been when I was there standing close, near.
Don't be silly, I think to myself.

I saw a picture of you today,
For a moment you looked just like Ray!
I do miss you I hope you remember that, but let's be honest here.. You have been a twat!
You hurt me bad back then, but now the years have gone by, we're all growing up now, maybe it's time to say "hi"
Don't be silly, I think to myself

I was your princess, and you was the king... Your job to say yes to "Can I give her this ring?"
I remember you said, I won't be at your big day... It broke my heart and pushed me further away.
Your my father your meant to be there...
Silence, and you gave me a stare
Don't be silly, I think to myself

One day I will ring you and you will answer the phone.. I will say "hi dad, it's your daughter Simone"
"I missed you so much" I know you will say.. Then pick your phone up and call me today!
"It's not my responsibility, it's yours too" this replays in my head when I think of you.
Maybe one day,  I always think to myself...

Love Simone
         X

I know this poem has no pattern and doesn't read well. I didn't pass English until I got to collage,  it wasn't a lesson learning about how to write a poem though!
This was more of a poem to let out my feelings. Over the past few months dreams have been popping up where I bump into my dad, I'm the dream he doesn't know who I am and ignore me.
I do often wonder if he would recognise me if I pass him now.